Why I Don’t Date White People.
DISCLAIMER: If you are a person of color who is currently involved in an interracial relationship with a White person, and you and your romantic partner do not actively engage in critical race analysis, you are going to want to skip this post altogether. For rill. I’m not trying to shatter anybody’s delusional take on the ”healthiness” of their relationship (this is always touchy, and I’m aware of that) or otherwise ruin anybody’s day, I promise. Alright. Here goes.
UPDATE AND ADDITIONAL DISCLAIMER: If you object to anything I have written about in this post, you are more than welcome to post a comment and further the dialogue. I prefer not to be e-mailed about the stuff I write here. Really, I don’t like e-mail in general, and I’m not terribly fond of e-mail from strangers. Nothing personal, just one of many idiosyncrasies. Enjoy!
My most popular post to date is a summation of some of the more common mistakes ordinary people make when dating inter-racially. Now, when I say “mistakes”, what I basically mean is “ignorant shit that people do that pisses off the people around them because it highlights their ridonkulous unconfronted racism and other assorted prejudices.” I mentioned in this post that I have never seriously dated a White person. It’s true. The only White men I have ever dated – even casually – have been actively engaged anti-racists. I am someone who identifies strongly – stridently, loudly and constantly (my friends and family will confirm this) - with oppression resistance. The people I choose to be around and have around me are all similarly-minded. I decided some years back that being a person of integrity and living a courageous life entailed not putting up with racist, sexist, homophobic, classist, closeted and conformist bullsheist in my optional relationships. As you can imagine, this has meant abandoning a LOT of my friendships and relationships, and pruning as I go when I identify something toxic that has wormed its way into the inner sanctum. Often, it has meant being incredibly lonely, and feeling like I’m losing my mind because I notice and am disturbed by things that don’t seem to bother most people. I am often made to feel like a fool for speaking up about and out against all the shit that I see in this world that is messed the hell up.
Now, why’s all that important? Funny story. After a two-hour discussion with my sister yesterday evening, where she expressed her concern about my psychic health and the dangers of focusing too hard on “things that are beyond our power to change alone,” I decided to check my e-mail. There, sitting in my inbox, was a message from someone who identified himself as a White male who had read my pitfalls post:
Why don’t you date White men? I am in love with a beautiful and strong Black woman and we have been together for several years now. Color is not an isue and race is not a factor because we are colorblind. Its racism from people like you that makes it hard for us to be together. Maybe you should open your mind and date outside your race and not be bitter about other peoples hapiness.
SIGH. This is not the first time I have encountered this sentiment. It is not the last. So, the following is an attempt to explain myself and my love choices.
- Most White people are not actively anti-racist. This is just the Truth, y’all. While there is a definite stigma attached to the word “racist” and most White folks do not embrace the label, most people do not understand that in a world as thoroughly entrenched in racism as this one that it is NOT ENOUGH to be merely “not a racist.” All those -isms and -obias? They are a part of our cultural fabric. They are as real as the air we breathe. They are the Hegemony. In other words, the current default of our social structure is racist, sexist, homophobic, classist, ageist, ableist, and everything else. If you are going to combat those things, YOU MUST engage them. White people shy away from race dialogue for a lot of reasons. Tim Wise (a White man who I would happily date) talks about this a lot. And that brings me to point 2.
- Most White people are EXTREMELY aware of White privilege and White entitlement – and they will, consciously or otherwise, reinforce them. The excuse here, unfortunately, was never ignorance. White people are very aware that, in a White racist social structure, being White is a social advantage. I say this because most people of color (even activists) think that White people are basically benevolently clueless (BTW, that notion is a function of White privilege as well – that White people are always friendly, welcome, and well-meaning. Every time I encounter this idea from a White person who is “not racist” or ”colorblind” I immediately recall Emmett Till and smile grimly to myself. Yes, knowledge has made me jaded.) Anybody who has gotten into a heated discussion with someone who is opposed to affirmative action because of “reverse racism” (file “reverse racism” with Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny under “Shit That You Have Heard of But That Nobody Has Ever Motherfucking Seen”) knows what I’m talking about. The idea is that – somehow – we live in a meritocracy, where everybody gets/has exactly what they deserve. If it seems like White people have more, well then, it must be because they deserve it. Where that idea comes from is rarely critically examined.
- Even with the most well-meaning White person, at some point, there is a communication block. With the standout exceptions of two White people I know and love (anti-racists) I have encountered what I call “The Wall” with every White person I have ever known. You know what it is. It’s explaining why an incident was racist. It’s explaining why it’s not okay for ANYBODY to use the n-word. (I’ll talk more about that later.) It’s explaining why it’s not okay to exoticize ”mixed” babies. It’s the fight that happens when you challenge your White friend to explain why she thinks that Alek Wek does not belong on the cover of Vogue, but Halle Berry does. It’s what happens when you attempt to challenge the White racist hegemonic structure within the “safe” space of your friendship or love relationship, and you inadvertently discover racism so deeply rooted, so firmly entrenched, and yet so passionately-denied that it shakes your soul to the core.
I have had my heart broken by friends more times than I can recall, and this world chips away at my dignity and sanity in a million myriad ways every day. I refuse to let this be one more thing that I have to find a way to survive.
That’s all.
Explore posts in the same categories: Racism, malicious, Racism, non-malicious, Sex, that's that BULLLLSHIT!Tags: Explains herself, Hard earned wisdom, interracial dating, Taking off my earrings...
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August 24, 2008 at 10:29 pm
I’m so glad you wrote this. You did this topic justice.
As for the Alex Wek v. Halle Berry argument. Halle Berry as Black as she is is mixed. Too many White people (and some unlearned Black people) love mixed people because it makes them feel all warm and fuzy inside that they can claim that racism doesn’t exist anymore. Plus Alex Wek is a reminder that they couldn’t take all of our ancestors on the boat, and it makes them feel like failures.
I’ll check out Tim Wise.
August 25, 2008 at 8:09 pm
@gabrieloneverything: Thank you very much. I was kinda hoping to explain the rationale guiding my decision. Tension from what I call “subterfuge racism” (you’re welcome to use that term, just cite me) has ruined a lot of my friendships. Oh, and subterfuge racism = incidents that occur while you’re minding you’re own business and WHAM! racist-assed moment. BTW, the Alek Wek thingy I mentioned actually happened to me with a friend back in college. Alek Wek was on the cover of Vogue or Elle, and my (White) friend turned up her nose and said, “Eeeeuwwww. What’s SHE doing on the cover? She’s not pretty at all!” Textbook Eurocentricism. I felt like my fucking chest had caved in. Anyway, I’ll keep my trauma to myself for now. Thanks for commenting!
August 25, 2008 at 10:55 pm
Gurl–hmmmm…I think I need to meet your White anti-racist male friends–and female ones, too.:-D (Though we do get a few at Racialicious, like jvansteppes and, yeah, Tim Wise and I have a couple in my life, like my salsa teacher.) Right now, I’m dealing with a white woman who’s in an interracial relationship with my Latino housemate and she’s not handling herself well at all. Mind you, she bragged to me that the BF’s in an anti-racism group and how she writes for Black Enterprise (though loved pointing out “how interesting” it is that they have “Jewish editors.”) Thank God for private entrances–I don’t have deal with the unfortunate woman.
As for Tim Wise: you and I need to make some arrangements, like you get Mondays, Wednesdays, and Saturdays, and I get him Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays. He can use Fridays to rest up and/or write.;-)
August 26, 2008 at 5:00 am
Oh my sista, so glad that our conversation inspired you so much! U know I feel you on this issue and agree that the issue of race is always an underlying factor in interracial relationships, even when the people involved refuse to acknowledge it (which we all know is a form of avoidance. By not acknowledging it you don’t have to deal with it.). Trust me, after my experience with South Africa (u know what I am referring to), I understand very well where u are coming from. However, I still stand by what I said to u on the phone: As Black women on the planet Earth, we are survivors by nature so we really just need to get used to it Sista Souljah
HUGS, KISSES AND DAISIES
August 26, 2008 at 3:52 pm
@knn–not to derail the thread, but ummmm….how can I say this? Black women aren’t survivors “by nature.” There is absolutely nothing in our genetic make-up that primes us to “survive.” That is years of nuture–of being told by our mommas, aunties, sisters (and sistahs), mothers of the church, and some of the men in our lives, of learning methods of dealing with the -isms and -phobias dealt to us in this society in our lives–so it appears second-nature. Unfortunately, the “Sistah Survivor” image is a stereotype, friend–a “positive” one, perhaps, but a stereotype nonetheless. It paints us all with the same brush and, as all stereotypes, doesn’t allow for any complexity or humanity. That image has has some ugly effects–such as our developing apparently and hidden addictions (sex, shopping, and food come to mind) and/or our not being able to admit when we need to go to a therapist to handle these addictions or other mental-health problems ’cause, you know, we can “survive” it. Or we won’t seek proper medical care for serious physical conditions (i.e. breast, ovarian, and cervical cancers) because, you know, we’ll “survive” because we’re “strong Black women.” Or we’re ready to take a Black woman’s Black card away because she committed suicide because we think she refused to “survive.”
No. Just no on that meme.
August 26, 2008 at 6:26 pm
I’m really not sure how to comment although I do believe this post is very well written with great passion and intelligence…
I do agree The Wall often occurs…
very interesting! very very interesting.
August 26, 2008 at 7:12 pm
Cruel Secretary, your points are noted and I understand where u are coming from. I also agree with much of what u r saying. First let me clarify that my statement to my sister is in reference to a personal conversation that we had this past weekend in which as a caring and concerned sister tried to convey to her that yes we live a phucked up society, but the amount of energy we choose to spend focusing on the “phucked-up ness” can and often does affect us in ways that can manifest unhealthily. Personally, I do feel that women in general not just Black women are survivors by nature. Yes, nurture does a play a huge role in the stereotypical attitudes, ideologies and behaviors that have developed over centuries of dehumanization and exploitation. Trust me, I understand completely the sterotype image of “Sister Survivor” nor am I suggesting that is all that Blacks are or should be. I know what it is to be depreessed, have attempted suicide, have my own issues and I see nothing wrong with seeking professional help for one’s problems. However, I am also very aware that certain issues like depreesion and suicide are sensitive in the Black community, but they should not be. I am able to admit my problems because I am a survivor and I am a strong woman. I do not associate strength with any stereotypical image of what society says Black women should be. I define my strength for myself.
In stating that we need to get used to it, my point to my sister whom I love dearly is that as a woman in general and Black woman especially, we are going to have to deal with a lot of phucked-upness (I just like that term, it can mean so many things) and have to find ways to survive without allowing all of the cruelties and harshness of this world to harden us or decay our beautiful spirits.
HUGS, KISSES AND DAISIES
August 27, 2008 at 12:00 am
knn–I’m not doubting your love for your sister; what I’m respectfully disagreeing with is your ideas around nature/nurture, race, and gender. To say that “women in general not just Black women are survivors” is *again* a stereotype, friend. The fact is everyone in a group doesn’t exist and act in the same manner; thus, “women in general,” and, as I mentioned in my initial post to you, “Black women,” aren’t innate survivors through virtue of our biology. That’s like saying Black folks are “natural” dancers when the truth and fact is quite a few of us been exposed and trained informally for years to dance to certain rhythms or that we’re all “natural” athletes when the truth and the fact is those who’ve been involved in sports more than likely practiced those skills to court/field/pool perfection.
You felt you said what you said out of love and concern, but what I’m saying to you is you’re reiterating a stereotype that’s unhealthy and unhelpful, as all stereotypes are–though those ideas may come from the outside, we’re not helping to destroy the phucked-up-ed-ness when we’re repeating them, no matter if it’s in a loving context or not. Could you have given the same loving supportive advice w/out resorting to stereotypes, even positive ones? I’m sincerely asking you, having been the recipient of one too many of those narrowing ideas given as a form of love myself.
August 27, 2008 at 2:33 am
I don’t perceive survival and strength as negative things or as stereotypes. If u think that my views are unhealthy or unhelpful, that is your opinion and u have every right to think, believe and feel as u so choose. I stand by my views as u stand by yours. We can agree to disagree.
August 27, 2008 at 1:51 pm
Very tactfully handled KNN….I understand where both of you are coming from…both of you valid points…
Possumstew…don’t you love it! I do!
August 27, 2008 at 5:43 pm
WOW! What have I started, LOL! Thanks SO much to everyone for reading this and taking the time to respond. Like I said, I wanted to engage in conversation about this…and this is quite a conversation, y’all! Please don’t worry about derailing the thread, the interesting stuff always come out in the tangental departures. I’d also like to commend everyone for not resorting to some of the name-calling and icky-ness that I have seen on other blogs. I don’t have a moderation policy yet, but everyone here knows me well enought to know that I do NOT like ugly (and yes, knn, I know – neither does God. LOL, I read your mind, right?). Alright, I’d like to offer some feedback on the feedback.
@ The Cruel Secretary:
Firstly, let me thank you most sincerely for once again offering your trademark wit and keen insight. Regarding your housemate’s love interest: Lord have mercy. Another under-enlightened somebody thinking that dating inter-racially makes them not racist and above reproach. This is so common it’s sickeneing. You’r ebetter than me, I might have torn girlfriend a new one. I’ve been VERY blessed to know several fantastic White anti-racists, brave men and women who remind very much of pre-Revolutionary War abolitionists…who history indicates that everyone thought were “radical” and “crazy”, too. Also, I TOTALLY agree – and readers, this has been discussed very intelligently and engagingly at Racialicious.com, PLEASE head over and check out their archives – that there is no such thing as a “positive” stereotype. A box is a box, and sooner or later, squishing into it will make you cramp up. I really appreciate that you have been so respectful in your debate with my sister – after all, we never know who is who on these things until someone speaks up, right? You’re an absolute peach, and I may just have to make a t-shirt JUST for you! Hands off Time Wise, though.
@knn:
My wondeful sister, even when I disagree with you (which is often) and give you heck, I am ALWAYS listening to you. So of COURSE this post was inspired in no small way by our talk. The necessity of race discourse – and my opting to continue to do it, no matter how exhausting, seemingly futile, and crushing it can sometimes be – was driven home by that lovely e-mail from the White male reader who seems to think I’m some bitter angry nut job racist who is just hatin’.
And I agree that Black women have had, historically, to be survivors. Is it innate? Meh. That’s a harder sell. I think – and TCS, darling, you are more than welcome to tack anything onto this – that the problem with the Sista Survivor thing is that it does not allow us as Black women the vulnerability that is very much part of the human experience. Every stereotype has a flipside and a subtext, and I’m sorry to say that for the Strong Black Woman it is this: You are a strong Black woman…you must be. You better be. Because nobody will stand up for or beside you EXCEPT you. And I think that as Black women, we are robbed of so much tenderness, compassion, and basic care, and our humanity is obscured and effectively doubly-erased, because of the peculiarity of our positioning (gender and race). And this upsets me. Because we should be ALLOWED to cry. We should be ALLOWED to feel. We should be ALLOWED to want to feel safe, and loved. We should be ALLOWED to feel not necessarily protected, but WORTHY of protecting. I don’t think that has to come from men per se (although it would help to heal a lot of the gender relation issues in our community) but I think it needs to come from somewhere, and that whole Invinca-Sista thing denies us this right. Alright, some more food for thought, y’all are both welcome to reply!
@ahudsonjackson:
I’m just happy to be a part of all this. You guys, YOU’RE the stars!
Honey – I LOVE IT!
August 27, 2008 at 8:29 pm
Possumstew you are absolutely correct: it does have to come from somewhere. It has to come from within yourself (which was the whole point of that tidbit of our phone conversation). I cry, I feel, I show my vulnerablity and I don’t wait for anybody to ALLOW
August 27, 2008 at 8:36 pm
Oops, hit the enter button by mistake. U know I luv ya girl and as long we are related (which will be for a good little while lol) we will continue to debate, sometimes agreeing and sometimes not. Much of your and Cruel Secretary’s points I agree with because they are valid and all things that we have experienced in our own lives. I just refuse to let it kill my spirit. There was a time when Black women had no say in that matter. Well, guess what, we do now.
HUGS, KISSES AND DAISIES
October 18, 2009 at 9:25 pm
I read this posts and was relieved to find I’m not losing my mind. I understand the some women aren’t up for taking on the survival, but sometimes there’s no other word. It takes a lot of energy and self love to wake up in a white world and feel beautiful as a person of color- call it thriving or call it surviving- it’s not easy; and some girls don’t make it.
But these days things seem to be getting crazier and crazier. Even when I want to go out and have a good time, there’s always some person waiting in the wings, assigned to tearing me down- in a polite way; and yes, they are usually white, well meaning people. Then they turn angry- angry because I’m too tired to hear them out, too tired to listen to how they feel, too tired to take it as a compliment, too tired to take it as a joke. I worry about my future, and my ability to feel comfortable around people.
In this fight to become an anti-racist I wonder whether ignorance is truly blissful. In one of Jean Baptiste Carpeaux’s sculptures at the Musee D’Orsay he asks, “Why be born a slave?” and on some days I haven’t a clue.
October 28, 2009 at 8:50 am
Hello, Mia, and welcome! Hmmm. I understand a lot of where you’re coming from. Tami (of What Tami Said) did two awesome posts about a White former friend who she eventually decided to not keep in her life because of her incredible unconfronted racism:
http://whattamisaid.blogspot.com/2007/11/whats-race-between-friends.html
http://www.racialicious.com/2009/02/06/the-return-of-mona-race-and-friendship-the-sequel/
These excellent pieces basically hit the nail on the head. She said it better than I could, so I do hope you’ll take a look. Thanks a lot for commenting!
June 23, 2012 at 10:34 pm
SEARCH RESULTS FOR: THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SPEAKING ABOUT “THE WALL”. I AM MARRIED TO A WHITE MAN AND I CANNOT TELL YOU HOW MANY TIMES I’VE BEEN IN A SEEMINGLY INNOCUOUS SITUATION LIKE GROCERY SHOPPING WITH MY MOTHER IN LAW WHEN SHE COMES UP WITH SOME RACIST SHIT. I HAVE BEEN CALLED A PICKANINY, I HAVE BEEN TOLD MY MIDDLE NAME IS “GHETTO” BY MY BROTHER IN LAW WHO HIMSELF HAS AN UNCOMMON NAME ( BUT IT’S “UNIQUE WHEN WHITE PEOPLE DO IT), I WAS INVITED OUT BY MY MOTHER IN LAW ONLY TO BE TOLD SHE INVITED ME BECAUSE SHE INVITED AN IMMIGRANT FROM SUDAN AND WANTED HIM TO SEE “ANOTHER BLACK FACE” ( I CAN SEE WHY HE’D BE TERRIFIED IN A ROOM FULL OF THESE WHITE PEOPLE), AND JUST WHEN I THINK THAT SPEAKING UP ABOUT IT HAS CHANGED THINGS THEY DO IT AGAIN OR DEFEND THE IDEAS A ” PERSONAL OBSERVATIONS”. THEY PRIVILEGE THEIR RACIST ” OBSERVATIONS” OVER MY ACCURATE OBSERVATIONS OF THEIR RACISM. WHAT BOTHERS ME AND HURTS THE MOST IS THAT RATHER THAN LEAVING ME TO DEAL WITH HIS FAMILY ( WHO DO NOT THINK THEY ARE RACIST) HE SPEAKS TO ME IN PRIVATE ABOUT HOW WRONG IT WAS AND ASKS IF I’M OK. I KNOW THE SHIT IS WRONG MAYBE TELL YOUR FAMILY INSTEAD OF LEAVING THE “OVERLY SENSITIVE” BLACK WOMAN TO DO IT. THANKS FOR PROVIDING A SPACE FOR ME TO VENT ABOUT THIS. *PHEW*