Love/Fetish: Common Pitfalls of Interracial Dating, Part II
NOTE: This post has been edited from its original published form. I’ve recently opted to limit my use of anecdotes in otherwise analytical posts, as they are often read as less-than-objective when too much of my own personal experience is interjected.
The following is a short list of some of the more common mistakes otherwise well-intentioned people make when attempting to date/love interracially:
- Black/White couples are NOT the interracial paradigm. Race doesn’t exist in any biological sense. It is entirely a social construct, kind of a big stupid game of Pretend that everyone agrees to play. That said…there are other races. I have never seriously dated a White person – for reasons I would rather not go into too much here – but I have (and am currently) dated interracially. Further, it has been my experience that people of color who think of interracial dating in terms of White/non-White have severe internalized racism. Why? Because the idea, however unconscious, is that what is prized, and what is at stake within the tense space of an interracial relationship or interracial dating, is Whiteness and its accompanying privilege. In other words, POC who chose to date each other aren’t “losing” anything…so it doesn’t “count.” Nice, right?
- Even ”positive” stereotypes are harmful. There is ALWAYS a flip side. Asians good at math, Blacks good at sports/dancing, Latinos skilled and passionate lovers…disgusting. Even non-malicious racism is ultimately harmful, because it reduces a person’s humanity.
- Dating/sleeping with someone from another race doesn’t make you not racist. If it did, this country wouldn’t HAVE a race problem. Let’s give up the ghost on this one: people from different ethnic, cultural and racial backgrounds have been interacting, engaging and fucking since the dawn of bloody time. Racism persists. Next topic, please.
- Exoticizing/fetishizing is NOT flattering OR healthy. Going on about what “beautiful creatures” Black women are is demeaning. No one who objectifies you respects you or views you as an equal. This is true for White people as well, but it’s DOUBLY true for people of color. If someone is attracted to and aroused by your “otherness” – your difference – rest assured they are getting off on your oppression.
- It’s not the racism outside that destroys interracial love. It’s the racism inside. Rather, not properly addressing it, or choosing not to see it, or letting it go unchecked for fear of causing tension. There is no such thing as “colorblindness” – i.e., not seeing race. Anyone who says that they don’t “see” race is a liar. Sorry, they just are. We ALL see race. (And we should since this is the first step to removing the shame and stigma that come with being “raced”.) It just shouldn’t be all that we see.
Tags: Exoticization, interracial dating, Race fetish, Racism, sexual objectification
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July 29, 2008 at 12:55 am
Great post… there is one race–Human, however there are several ethnicities and cultures etc…but there is institutionalized ignorance, taught racism and sown hatred…but usually what it boils down to is one putting another down to lift themselves up or miserable people wanting company or seeing something in an interethnic couple that results in a blow to their own self-esteem because after all ‘why isn’t that person with them or why did that person have to go outside etc’ I get it often from Latino women but that a mute compared to my current dilemma … please visit
http://interethnicdatingmarriageandfaith.blogspot.com/
share your thoughts
August 24, 2008 at 1:47 am
[...] My most popular post to date is a summation of some of the more common mistakes ordinary people make when dating interracially. Now, when I say “mistakes”, what I basically mean is “ignorant shit that people do that pisses off the people around them because it highlights their ridonkulous unconfronted racism and other assorted prejudices.” I mentioned in this post that I have never seriously dated a White person. It’s true. The only White men I have ever dated – even casually – have been actively engaged anti-racists. I am someone who identifies strongly – stridently, loudly and constantly (my friends and family will confirm this) - with oppression resistance. The people I choose to be around and have around me are all similarly-minded. I decided some years back that being a person of integrity and living a courageous life entailed not putting up with racist, sexist, homophobic, classist, closeted and conformist bullsheist in my optional relationships. As you can imagine, this has meant abandoning a LOT of my friendships and relationships, and pruning as I go when I identify something toxic that has wormed its way into the inner sanctum. Often, it has meant being incredibly lonely, and feeling like I’m losing my mind because I notice and am disturbed by things that don’t seem to bother most people. I am often made to feel like a fool for speaking up about and out against all the shit that I see in this world that is messed the hell up. [...]
February 15, 2009 at 2:10 am
[...] America” most-thoroughly moot. Also, my most consistently popular posts - about some blunders that otherwise well-meaning people make when dating interracially, and about why I don’t date White men who are not anti-racist -are the subjects of a lot of [...]